Nervous System Regulation: Why can’t I relax or feel safe?
You can know you're safe logically and still not feel safe. You can tell yourself to relax and find your body won't listen. You can do everything "right" and still feel wired, drained, or disconnected from friends, family, life in general.
If that sounds familiar, it may not be a mindset problem. It may be a nervous system problem. The good news is that the nervous system can learn new patterns.
What Is Nervous System Regulation?
Your autonomic nervous system runs the background operations of your life: heart rate, breathing, digestion, muscle tension, and your readiness to act or rest. Nervous system regulation is your ability to move flexibly between states of activation and calm, responding to what's happening and then returning to a settled baseline.
A well-regulated nervous system isn't one that never gets stressed. It's one that can:
Rise to meet a challenge, then come back down
Stay present through discomfort without becoming overwhelmed
Rest deeply when it's time to rest
Feel connected to other people without feeling threatened
Regulation is a skill the body builds through experience, not a trait you either have or lack.
The States Your Nervous System Moves Through
Your nervous system shifts between a few broad states:
Safe and connected. You feel open, curious, and grounded. Breathing is easy, your thoughts are flexible, and relationships feel good. This is where healing, learning, and creativity happen.
Mobilized (fight or flight). Your body prepares for action. You might feel anxious, restless, angry, or on edge, with a racing heart and tight muscles. Relationships can feel hard. You might feel like you are angry with everyone or one small thing out of place will set you off.
Shut down (freeze or collapse). When stress feels like too much, the system conserves energy. This can show up as numbness, fatigue, brain fog, hopelessness, or feeling far away from yourself. Relationships can feel impossible, because you don’t have the energy to connect. You might not feel interested in your hobbies and it might feel hard to clean your house or take a shower.
Fawn. This one is not usually included in the normal nervous system responses, but many with childhood trauma exhibit these behaviors. This is a learned behavior of seeking safety by appeasing a perceived threat through compliance. It is the nervous system creating peace where none existed. You might feel highly in-tune with other emotions, have difficulty setting boundaries or feel guilty for having preferences. Relationships might feel hard because you might feel like people are angry with you or don’t like you. Or you might replay conversations in your head, feeling stupid or guilty for what you said.
All four states are protective, and none of them is a flaw. Trouble begins when you get stuck in one of these states, or when your system swings between them without returning back to safety.
Why Regulation Gets Disrupted
Your body is constantly scanning for cues of safety and danger, mostly below your awareness. (This subconscious scanning is called neuroception. Part of the polyvagal theory) When life has taught your system that the world is unpredictable or unsafe, it adapts by staying on guard.
Common contributors include:
Trauma, including childhood trauma and relational wounds
Chronic stress, burnout, or caregiving overload
Illness, grief, or major life transitions
Growing up in environments where emotions weren't safe to express
Long periods without rest, connection, or support
Over time, your body may start detecting danger where there is none, or struggle to register the safety that's actually there. That's why insight alone often doesn't bring relief. The body needs its own experiences of safety.
Signs Your Nervous System May Be Dysregulated
Everyone's experience is different, but common signs include:
Persistent anxiety, hypervigilance, or feeling "keyed up"
Being easily startled or quick to irritation
Trouble sleeping, or sleeping a lot and still feeling exhausted
Emotional numbness or feeling detached
Difficulty relaxing, even on vacation
Digestive issues, tension, or headaches with no clear cause
Feeling overwhelmed by small things
Difficulty trusting or feeling close to others
These are not signs that something is wrong with you. They are signs your system has been working hard to protect you. (That’s pretty freaking cool! But also, please give me a break!)
Gentle Ways to Support Regulation:
Regulation grows through small, repeated experiences of safety. A few approaches that might help you:
1. Co-regulation. Humans regulate each other. A calm, attuned presence, whether a trusted friend, a pet, or a therapist, helps your system settle in ways solo effort often can't. This is a big reason the therapeutic relationship matters in trauma work. You can hug a person you feel safe with or your pet (my personal favorite).
2. Breath and body. Slow breathing with a longer exhale signals the body to settle down. Gentle movement (walking), stretching (slow yoga), shaking out tension (Hey Taylor!), or humming can help.
3. Vagus Nerve Simulation. Place a cold pack in a towel on your chest or neck for 5 to 15 minutes. This will help slow down your heart rate and lower your blood pressure. Taking deep breaths while you do this can also help, if that doesn’t cause further distress.
4. Grounding. Feel your feet on the floor, your butt cheeks against the chair, or the weight of a blanket (or your cat on your lap.) Naming five things you can see in the room you are in or smells can bring you back to the moment. (Get to stiffing a candle or some essential oils. The weirder the better! Odd smells can snap you out of dysregulation, while calming smells might be better when you are more regulated to further soothe.)
5. Energy and somatic practices. Reiki, sound healing, qigong, and other body-centered practices can offer deep rest and a felt sense of calm, especially for people who find it hard to relax through talk-based approaches alone. (There are lots of free videos on Youtube. Pick a couple out and save them for when you are not feeling well.)
6. Butterfly hug tapping: Cross your arms over your chest. Gently tap one hand on your chest then the other, alternating slowly. Taking deep breaths while you do this can also help, if that doesn’t cause further distress. The bilateral movement helps regulate your brain back to a calmer state. You can also use music with bi-neural beats under it. This can be used with the butterfly hug or alone. (Again check out Youtube for some free resources.)
7. Everyday cues of safety. Soft lighting(no harsh overhead lighting allowed), familiar music (cue my trusty millennial playlist), time in nature or with a pet, a warm or bubbly drink, predictable routines, and enough sleep all tell your body that it's okay to let its guard down. (If it feels hard to sleep, getting in bed to rest is ok to.)
A note: All of these tools are great, but if you are too dysregulated to use them they are no good. We keep all of these tools in the left part of our brain. When we are too dysregulated, that part of the brain actually shuts off. So, you have no access to that information at all. My suggestion is to have the tools that tickle your fancy written down somewhere you will see them when you are not feeling well. Don’t worry some of the tools don’t work. It will take some time to identify what works and what doesn’t. After a while you WILL have a go to tool or tools that you know work most of the time.
Regulation Is a Practice, Not Perfection
You don't have to be calm all the time to be regulated. Healing doesn't look like never feeling anxious, angry, or tired again. It looks like having more space between uncomfortable emotions, when the uncomfortable emotions do arise, you are able to manage them with your coping tools, and then returning back to a grounded or neutral state more easily.
Every time you give your body an experience of safety, even a small one, you're teaching it something new. Over time, those moments add up. Its providing your system with adaptive information (examples that you have been safe before and can return to this state)
If you're ready for support, I offer holistic trauma therapy and intuitive energy healing designed to help your nervous system feel safe, resourced, and whole. Sessions are available virtually and in person.